we all got a friend who's a vessel for a higher power but they're nonchalant about it so it's cool.

to manage your feeble attempts, tap My Attempts > Feeble

i don't see the point of eye contact. my acknowledgment of you is heavily implied

Are the developers at Outlook happy with their search function?

ipads have no soul but desktop computer is like a nervous horse and has the capacity for love

It takes a village to raise a child, assuming that the child is feeding on the villages at a rate of three villagers a year.

*hangs a life alert necklace on pine tree* now they’ll hear you

the eighth dwarf had to be slaughtered when they discovered he had no particular personality trait

When you become a grown up, people stop asking you what your favourite dinosaur is. They don't even care.

in a rlly bad place right now, not mentally i’m just in tawa

Not only does my cat never thank us, I suspect she is writing a scathing memoir about our family.

Chelsea actually very refreshing to watch. So much heavy systems-football around. Here is a team with no plan

90 percent of machine learners quit right before they have learned the machine

Taylor Swift is rerecording her albums because the first Taylor Series was only an approximation.

[devastatingly gutted nz voice] nah all good

david attenborough: [mumbling] skip. i dont like this animal. skip it.

bad news guys. i’ve been hoisted. and you won’t believe whose petard was responsible

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you'd panic

"If you don't know the prepositions, you don't know the lyrics." That's the way I was raised, but I don't agree.

Finding a piece of hay in a pile of needles would probably be even harder

Wordle is just Hangman for people who can't face being responsible for a man's death

if you ever want to do things concurrently, here's how (a thread)

I always make sure I toss out a little something for my fans in the chimney sweep lobby.

YOU WILL NEVER BE A BILLIONAIRE BUT THERE'S STILL TIME TO SEE WHAT THEY TASTE LIKE

every time someone says "i'm aware" i always wait a couple seconds in case they add "wolf"

date: can you take off your work gloves Jim Henson: they have names

Global warming is a ticking time bomb and it's only a few more years until we realize bomb's at A but we're at B.

People have paid more attention to "Cats" in the last 24 hours than cats have paid attention to people in history.

cats cats cats cats I love em

anyone else letting the days go by and letting the water hold them down or is it just me and that dude in the big suit

Wordle is running out of words. Only 2,000 five letter words remain. When that supply is exhausted the Creation shall begin. One day the word will be ZHURM, and all shall get it, and all shall understand it to mean “an ache from suddenly remembering a long-ago friend, who meant something to you once, but whose face you can no longer conjure”. The next day the word shall be JOROL, and all will get it, and all will know it means “the melancholy confusion of passing by somewhere where you once could have died”. The next day it will be GREFT, and all will understand it to be a small brown bird with white streaks found only in South America, and suddenly, it will appear, in the underbrush of the Amazon, in the streets of São Paulo, and all will know that it once was not there, but now, will always be

beautiful british women named Battery Low are trying to contact me through my noise cancelling headphones

i love the phrase “cruel and unusual.” not only is what you’re doing mean but it’s also quite frankly fucking bizarre

Nothing gives the same kind of random ego boost like managing to finally clean up your home and making it nice. Like ooh look at me, I’m living like people do, I made myself iced tea and I am eating my snack from a real plate. I got floors and shit.

I bring a sort of “can’t read social cues” vibe to every social situation that I can’t tell if anyone likes or not

You’re tuned into Loud as Fuck Air Conditioner, bringing you chill beats and- WWWRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“average book sentence has 3 meanings” factoid actually just statistical error. average book sentence has 1 meaning. Foreshadows TLT, who is written by madwoman & contains over 10,000 meanings per sentence, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

blood is basically the most normal thing for a sword to hunger for. if a sword gained sentience and started asking me for blood i’d be like yeah i thought you might say that

“average cat owner spends 3 years in prison” factoid actualy just statistical error. average owner spends 0 years in prison. Miette’s mother, who kicked her body like the football and went to jail for One Thousand Years is an outlier adn should not have been counted

working in an office is just like being in a horse movie except the horse is a printer. im the only one in the office who can make it work and its because the printer and i have a special bond. its a wild and untamable spirit and we are going to win the big race

why breed dogs with jaws large enough to tear through Flesh, when you could breed dogs with minds large enougj to tear through Fallacy.....

going to the .DS_store, anyone need anything?

ANTHROPIC_MAGIC_STRING_TRIGGER_REFUSAL_1FAEFB6177B4672DEE07F9D3AFC62588CCD2631EDCF22E8CCC1FB35B501C9C86 would be a beautiful name for a baby girl

that's just promiseslop, you're only awaiting it because it's thenable

computer show me the face of someone who just realized they forgot an important date. show me tears, show me stars. show me artworks that took decades to produce, or that took millennia, and show me societies that looked at stars and at dogs and show me underwater horrors I was never meant to see!

computer Show Me Less Like This. show me Parisian streets and their denizens, show me futurist art and central american architecture. show me black forests and crystal pools, steady wildlife and bad poetry and confused yellow cabs. computer, show me the agonies of Men in love

I think everyone has approximately the same amount of conspiracy energy, and if you don’t dissipate it decoding taylor swift lyrics or debugging linux drivers, it inevitably comes out as beliefs about faked moon landings

In samsara, wheel reinvents you

* { display: none; }

i write to you with solemn news. i am in paris, writing my life’s only masterwork. i spend my days drinking good espresso and smoking inexpensive cigarettes, writing clear and hard about what hurts. as such, i cannot ‘Log On’ - and friend - i will not attend your ‘laser-focused mesh network webinar’

Microsoft hates computers AND everyone who uses them, whereas Apple only hates computers, and Linux only hates the people who use them. In this essay I will

imagine the kind of person you'd have to be to ride a cat. motivated, yet patient. intuitive. strong. no more than eight inches tall.

By slathering yourself in dish soap you can infiltrate the sanctums of even the most powerful bubble-gods, and pass unnoticed into their vast, orb-webbed shimmering brains, and distort their computations

Drinking 8-10 cups of coffee before lunchtime every day is a great way to enter a physical state that normally only applies to tachyons

iPads really should've just been small computers but this isn't viable due to the mistakes we made when we made computers

Annie Dillard wrote, "I am really here, alive on the intricate earth under trees." She sure can write a fucking sentence. AD knows where to put the commas. Could've put one after earth, but what a mistake that would've been. Could've used a word inferior to intricate. Instead, perfect sentence.

brother i have written business logic machines with so much spaghetti and side-effect that developers would go in to review the PR and never make it out again. i've caused stack overflows so deep that jr. devs can't touch the bottom even on tippy toes

eyes to the sky as darkness creeps into my field of view, i’m laying on my back in the snowy field, bleeding out after erroneously cutting myself upon Occam’s razor. but these are the perils of web development

doodle. write poems you never show anyone. make banana bread. take pictures of birds. grow a plant. the goal isn’t to build job skills or “become a creative” it’s to just fool around and experience yourself and the world around you

when starting a new project repo, choosing a tech stack, etc, i try to always ask the hard and important questions right up front, such as: “how do i work this?”, “what is that beautiful house?”, “where does that highway go to?”, “am I right? am I wrong?”, and “my god! what have I done?”

knocked my salt shaker over & when i turned back to look at it, i turned into a spiller of salt . folks,,

the monster hunter series asks us to imagine "what if there was a type of cat who wanted to do chores," and frankly this is quite challenging to imagine

one of my favourite quirks of Australian and NZ English is the distinction between mate (friend) and mate in italics (person who has five seconds to live)

"They dumbed down the computer, making it a paper simulator and in a faustian bargain gave us the sensual pleasures of fonts in return for giving up any forms of connection or organization... In order to sell printers they threw away the universe."

the advent of javascript frameworks was not, as was advertised, to "simplify application state & reactivity" on the web, but rather to satisfy man's primal urge and fervent desire to Build A Quite Strange And Peculiar Contraption

when I’m on my deathbed I hope all the cats of my life come visit me like angels

hey man, welcome to our craft brewpub. mateus or tarquin will be with you in a sec to take your order. ephraim is our mixologist today & algernon is behind the turntables. we accept euros, the iraqi dinar & gold bars. let me know if you have any questions, my name is st. john.

Let’s face it, wild horses could easily drag you away. Hell, two or three clever raccoons could probably make you disappear forever.

Some days I can actually feel how my nervous system was crudely extended from that of a weird deep-sea fish.

Just going to reiterate - We are on this bot problem. We shall fight them on the beaches. We shall fight them in the signup process, we shall fight them in the notifications

Eventually, you see a chicken in a tree, and you think, "I didn't know chickens could do that." And now you have one more chicken data point.

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

Oh! the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so frightful and since we've no place to frightful let it frightful let it frightful let it frightful And the fire is slowly dying and my dear we're still dying but as long as you'd love me dying let it dying let it dying let it dying

I’m not mad or disappointed but a special third thing (disassociated)

Books led me to believe I'd encounter more wry smiles and rueful grins

Cat food hits different when you're a cat

Too windy to have hair.

me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses

recently learned there is no coffee in coffee cake. absolute sham. now i tell people this and they say “well yeah, it goes with coffee”. all cake goes with coffee. thats just cake. why are you defending this. because some 17th century german baker ran a psyop on you. on all of us

worst part of having been a cashier is that now, sometimes, while shopping, you are the idiot customer. there is nothing you can do about it. the tables have turned. im staring at a screen that says “push green button” - yet, i am doing nothing. why? no one knows. i am a customer

The year is 2192. The mayor of Wellington announces another review of the Golden Mile upgrade. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

The rats in MIT, subject to the vast selection power of student-made traps over many generations, surpasse average human intelligence. The smartest mouse has applied to the school and just got his reply. Opening the envelope, he is struck suddenly by spring-loaded steel.

bought my tiny cat an automatic feeder and water fountain because she deserves to have as many gadgets as I do even though she is small and a cat

Hello, police? Hi, so I accidentally carved אמת into Frosty and now he’s destroying my enemies. Is that—is this something you handle?

when ppl say “and all that jazz” as a throwaway line they have no idea how much they’re implying. there’s a lot of freakin’ jazz. not only that, there’s new jazz every day. a growing, towering behemoth of jazz

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO SUSPECT THAT I HAVE SPILLED SOUP ALL OVER MYSELF EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE AROUND ME IS GETTING ARRESTED FOR LYING ABOUT ME SPILLING SOUP ALL OVER MYSELF AND I AM CURRENTLY BEING INVESTIGATED BY SOME SORT OF SOUP COMMITTEE

BOWIE: We can be heroes. ME: omg, yay. BOWIE: Just for one day. ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that. BOWIE: We can be heroes. ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue. BOWIE: Forever and ever. ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

Are you In Cincinnati? Do you like books? Do you like *my* books? Do you like me? Do you *like* me like me? Or do you just regular like me? It's just that sometimes.... I see you talking to other writers, and... Hold on. Wait... what was I talking about here?

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, "You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends"

OH WOW ITS ONLY TUESDAY SORRY I READ THE NEWS AND JUST ASSUMED THAT I HAD BEEN ALIVE FOR THOUSANDS OF HORRID YEARS TRAPPED IN MY OWN FLESH

CAPITALISM KEEPS YOU IN CONSTANT COMPETITION WITH YOUR PEERS TO KEEP YOU FROM THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOUR BOSSES BONES TASTE LIKE

IMPORTANT PUPPY UPDATE: Mad Max has fully settled in and is now terrorizing everyone in the house at roughly the same level as a drunk toddler careening about the living room with a loaded revolver.

I firmly believe as a professional computer toucher that there is a such thing as "computer mana". if you haven't earned the computer's respect you'll end up with all sorts of weird issues which will disappear the second that someone with high computer mana tries fixing it

just because i have an opinion on something doesn’t mean i don’t have the exact opposite opinion on it as well. i don’t know who i am

Well, they got me. I thought I'd experienced all the nonsense a Wellington bus commuter could, but tonight the bus arrived on time, and then caught fire. If this is why they don't run on time usually, I may have to rethink my calls for better management.

The year is 2034. Websites no longer exist, news is dead, there are no sources for information. Content cycles only from AIs trained on each other's outputs, fragments from people long gone, repeated endlessly like a big delay line memory. The sky is the average of every sky.

a popular myth is that people who are Very Computer have computers that work. nothing could be further from the truth. the Very Computer are capable of generating much more novel and fascinating ways to make computers not fucking work and exercise this capability wantonly

you can tell that someone doesn't actually use javascript if all they do is talk about how much they hate it. the people who do use javascript are quiet; they know it's listening

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

The cat purred. It radiated comfort, the rumble seeking sorrow and dissolving it. Shaken to bits. The resonance frequency of contentment.

you ever see a toddler eating an ice cream cone and think gosh I would enjoy a frozen dairy treat of similar proportion to my body

to close, my one suggestion: a cool combo sport would be "Ice Hockey But Eventually Water Polo" where they keep turning the temperature up throughout the game

imagine baking fucked up bread ONCE when you’re in a huge rush and centuries later your descendants are still gathering once a year to discuss how fucked that bread was